A few months ago, my department announced that it was having to cut some positions.  The Federal government has always been THE place to work if you were looking for stability.  You couldn’t get fired unless you killed someone; and even then.. But times they are-a-changing, and governments they are a-laying off people.  Those affected in my area were offered the opportunity to volunteer to leave.  They made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.  It came at a perfect time for me.   I wasn’t quite ready to leave but the generous offer lured me towards the exit.  I have six more days to work and then my life is mine to do with whatever I choose.  I am in a good place, financially and mentally.  I have many options and opportunities from which to choose.  It’s almost too good.  I worry that something bad is lurking, just around the corner.  That’s just how my mind works.  I’m not generally superstitious, but sometimes I can be.  It seems to me there’s a balance in life that must be respected.  Like an unwritten law that says you can’t have it all.  Something has to give.

Whenever things have been too good in the past, something has come along and thrown dirt in my face.  Abruptly.  And nastily.  Six years ago, all was good.  Then out of the blue my happy, full-of-life and much-loved mother got sick and died within weeks.  A couple of years later, just as I was beginning to catch my breath, I had a serious car accident from which I narrowly escaped dire consequences.  Payback time.  So, I’m not trusting in the good, because I worry that something bad needs to happen in order to maintain the equilibrium.  Will one of my loved ones suddenly become ill?  Will I suddenly become ill?  Probably not.  But maybe.

Despite all of my anguished ruminations, I can’t help but feel hopeful right now.  At this moment, in the here and the now, I am determined to keep my fingers crossed and continue to hope that maybe, this one time, I can rejoice in life and be happy.

This entry was posted in Authenticity, Existentialism, Happiness, Meaning of Life and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Hope

  1. I think all the shit-happens moments in your life are gone. Enjoy your good luck and think happy thoughts. And, yes, have hope.

  2. Irish Katie says:

    Hugggsss…and …did things happen for a reason? Was it random? I don’t know….

    What I do know, is that I hear hope in your voice….and that is an incredibly glorious sound yes?
    So … 6 more days …. what kind of opportunities lies ahead? I think tis very exciting….very.

    • lthibault11 says:

      It is kind of exciting. There are very lucrative consulting opportunites in my field. It is a fairly specialized area with relatively few people, and a high demand for them. I am not motivated by money, but I am motivated by the idea of having options to choose from. I will likely take a few months off and then head back out into the consulting world. I look forward to staying in my warm cozy bed on those dark and stormy Ottawa winter mornings. Yay! On the other hand, maybe I`ll decide to work again after the holidays.. Playing it by ear. It’s all good.


      • Irish Katie says:

        Ok…now I want to hear what these opportunities are! Specialized? What what what? I don’t want to wait a few months to know! lol

      • lthibault11 says:

        I thought I had responded to this. Sorry about that! There are plentiful opportunities for consulting work in the access to information field. It is a somewhat specialized area and there is a great demand for experienced people. I am officially resigned from the Public Service but will begin to work as a consultant in early January. I was tempted to take the next few months off, but duty calls, lol.

  3. gnatseyeview says:

    Hope you can be in the moment at least for a while and let the joy wash over you repeatedly.

  4. Zen Greenway says:

    I am jealous! I always seem to end up trapped at my stupid office job instead of pursuing the things that would truly fulfill me on a daily basis. Though now that you’ve introduced me to Learned Helplessness … Anyway, I wish you luck and as little or as much security as you want!

    • lthibault11 says:

      Thank you Zen. I’ve learned much about this concept of Learned Helplessness and understanding it has given me insight on how to trust my own capabilities, and as a result, learn to help myself. In this way, I’m able to make things happen, rather than wait for them to happen to me. It makes a big difference. We all have that ability; some of us just don’t know it, lol.

  5. Nina Renee says:

    I understand the feeling, L. You seem to know who you are and what you want, and that’s more than can be said for many. You have already proven that you have the strength inside you to cope with anything. Happy and hopeful is what you deserve to be!

    • lthibault11 says:

      Thanks for the kind words Nina. I do feel I’ve come a long way in knowing who I am and what I want. Therapy has been a lot of work, but immensely helpful. The journey continues..:)

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