In order to understand the Gift of Great Loss, you have to first appreciate the greatness of the loss.
As soon as I was able to wrap my child`s mind around the concept of death, I realized with cold panic that one day my mother would die. I didn`t care that the concept of death included me, I only cared that the person I loved and needed the most in the world would one day no longer be. It was an unbearable thought; one that kept me sleepless through many, many nights. I could only hope and pray that she would not die while I was little because I knew that I would not be able to survive her loss. I was very young, but I knew this to be the truth. I thought that if she died when I was older, maybe, just maybe, I might not need her as much by then and would be better able to handle her death.
As each year passed and she didn`t die, I selfishly thanked my lucky stars. I was more than a little obsessed with the thought of her death, but there was really no rational basis for it. My mother was healthy all of her life and almost never sick. I was just prematurely anticipating the inevitable, perhaps to try to prepare myself in some way. It was an irrational fear that stayed with me until it ceased to be irrational, and she died.
There was something very special about my mother. She had a gentle, shy way about her. A sweetness to her personality. Her face absolutely glowed when she smiled; and she smiled a lot. She was a determined optimist and always swayed toward the positive side of things, no matter how gloomy the situation might have been. I was always very proud of her. Her beauty, her grace, her strength. It is ironic that I felt the need to save her as a child because she was, in fact, the strongest woman I have ever known. Her strength and courage at the end of her life was deeply inspiring to me.
My mother loved unconditionally, without complication. She gave me life, and then she gave me love. There was no judging, no interference, no games, just pure unconditional love – because I was her child, and she loved her children. It was as simple as that. My connection to her, and my love for her was immense. Too big for words. We were one in a circle, beginning to end.
When my mother`s life story suddenly ended, and with the circle broken, I was brusquely thrown, alone and selfless, into the dark abyss.
Wandering around, lost and aimless, I realized I had two choices; I could either stay lost forever, attempting to live out my life in the dark abyss with no direction and little hope of seeing the light, or I could make the choice to pick up the pieces of me that were left, and start the journey towards maturation and becoming the person I was always meant to be. I chose the latter. Through great loss and great pain has come the motivation and the drive to make the journey, hard as it is, towards the higher plain.
This was the final and greatest gift that my mother gave me. The push to re-define my Self.